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Exposed

heart on sleeve

My latest adventure is one of love. And, boy, is it a wild ride!

I generally prefer to communicate in writing (shocker), so I took a risk yesterday, and wrote him a letter, to express my thoughts and feelings on current circumstances between us. No real big kickers, just a lot of love, and some hypotheses and perspectives. I left it out for him, like my beating heart, on the table, figuring I’d get some response – even though I specifically stated within it, that none was needed – later that evening. It is now the following morning, and I’ve rarely felt so exposed.

I guess I failed to adequately consider the repercussions of what such a delay would do to me. Clarity is a big thing in my world, and it’s just the not knowing that’s really taking a toll on me. I trust that I could handle whatever his response might be, but without knowing how he took it, I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like I just put on a soul-soaked performance, and the audience is discussing how they want to react, while I just stand there on the stage, holding that final pose, wobbling, heart knocking, mind racing, worries multiplying. It’s awful to feel so insecure.

I even stated in the letter that I worry I’m too much, or not enough – too intense, not zen enough. I also stated that in my understanding of some heartache he is dealing with personally, I would be here for him, even if space is the only thing he wants from me. So, I suppose he is just graciously taking me up on that. I can’t help but fear that my concerns of overwhelming him are accurate, though.

UGGGH! If that’s true, I will persevere. I have learned so much from this experience already, especially about self-acceptance. So, if he doesn’t like the way I am, than I’m developing the confidence that someone else I like, will. Again, I could deal with whatever I have to deal with – I just don’t know what I’m dealing with!!

I wanted to vent this, and perhaps bring solace to anyone else who might be going through something similar – you’re not alone. What I would tell us both: This, too, shall pass. Take heart, dear one, and find gratitude for the blessings in your life. It will look different in the morning.

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Posted by on 10/08/2015 in Action

 

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Grateful for my home

cin thxgvg trip 2014

Cin on the road

I went away for Thanksgiving, to Colorado, to share the holiday with my mom and sister, and her extended family. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that, of course, applies only to things of which the heart is already fond. The other day, I discovered just how fond I am of my new home. While I thoroughly enjoyed my visit, I was so thrilled to cross back into Texas. I have not felt such a sense of home and happiness in a very long time. It feels good :)

I brought my dog, so we drove. It was a lot of driving. I love it when she rests her head on the back seat and looks out the rear window :)

I hope everyone had a joyous Thanksgiving, and has much to be thankful for :)

 
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Posted by on 11/30/2014 in Musings

 

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