My latest adventure is one of love. And, boy, is it a wild ride!
I generally prefer to communicate in writing (shocker), so I took a risk yesterday, and wrote him a letter, to express my thoughts and feelings on current circumstances between us. No real big kickers, just a lot of love, and some hypotheses and perspectives. I left it out for him, like my beating heart, on the table, figuring I’d get some response – even though I specifically stated within it, that none was needed – later that evening. It is now the following morning, and I’ve rarely felt so exposed.
I guess I failed to adequately consider the repercussions of what such a delay would do to me. Clarity is a big thing in my world, and it’s just the not knowing that’s really taking a toll on me. I trust that I could handle whatever his response might be, but without knowing how he took it, I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like I just put on a soul-soaked performance, and the audience is discussing how they want to react, while I just stand there on the stage, holding that final pose, wobbling, heart knocking, mind racing, worries multiplying. It’s awful to feel so insecure.
I even stated in the letter that I worry I’m too much, or not enough – too intense, not zen enough. I also stated that in my understanding of some heartache he is dealing with personally, I would be here for him, even if space is the only thing he wants from me. So, I suppose he is just graciously taking me up on that. I can’t help but fear that my concerns of overwhelming him are accurate, though.
UGGGH! If that’s true, I will persevere. I have learned so much from this experience already, especially about self-acceptance. So, if he doesn’t like the way I am, than I’m developing the confidence that someone else I like, will. Again, I could deal with whatever I have to deal with – I just don’t know what I’m dealing with!!
I wanted to vent this, and perhaps bring solace to anyone else who might be going through something similar – you’re not alone. What I would tell us both: This, too, shall pass. Take heart, dear one, and find gratitude for the blessings in your life. It will look different in the morning.